Men, we need to stop interrupting

Don't you like it when you are in the middle of speaking, and someone interrupts you? Being interrupted is bad enough in a routine conversation. But what about those conversations that are heated, or even passionate? How does it feel when you're arguing with someone, you're in the middle of making an important point, and they interrupt you? Ever get angry when someone talks over you to make their counterpoint? If you are like most people, this is frustrating. Let me ask you a few more questions. Have you ever interrupted or talked over someone else? How often do you do it? Are you sure? Would you recognize it if you did?

I was recently in a business meeting with a small group of professionals. To protect the privacy of those involved, I will describe the participants generically. The meeting was between two male executives from one organization, and three female executives representing another organization. I was in attendance as an observer and facilitator. The specific issue doesn't matter, but I will say that the ladies were on one side of the problem, and the gentlemen were on the other side. During the one-hour meeting, I noticed a pattern.

The men did all the interrupting.

When one of the ladies would speak, the men would often interrupt them. The meeting lasted an hour. At that time, I counted at least 14 interruptions. All 14 were committed by the male executives. They did not interrupt each other, only the female executives. Each one occurred when one of the female executives was making a point with which the male executive disagreed. I'm not the first to notice this pattern. There is quite a bit of research that confirms my observations, to include a 2014 study from George Washington University.

When one of the gentlemen would interrupt, sometimes the lady would try to finish her sentence. When this happened, the man would raise his voice to talk over the lady. Pretty rude, right? Before you think the men were utterly uncouth, there were two times when one of the men would interrupt by saying, "I don't mean to interrupt you, but…" and then continue his interruption. Who says chivalry is dead?

The women displayed high EQ.

Each time one of the ladies was interrupted, I could see the frustration on her face. But then I saw her do something foreign to most of my gender. She would breathe in, hold it for a second or two, and then slowly exhale. In the realm of psychology and emotional intelligence, this is what emotional regulation looks like in action. She then just listened as the man finished his interruption. When he finished, she smiled, waited for a second, and then continued where she left off, as if nothing happened. The interesting thing was while it appeared to me that each of the ladies was well aware and frustrated by the interruptions, the men seemed to be oblivious to their behavior. I imagine none of my female readers are surprised, at all, by this observation.

Are YOU an interrupter? OK, so maybe you interrupt once in a while, what should you do? I'm glad you asked. Here's how to step up your conversation game in three easy steps:

Step #1 Be aware

The first step is to be aware of your behavior. Before you can BEWARE of your behavior, you must be AWARE of your behavior. How do you become aware of your behavior? In this case, count your interruptions. The next time you are in a conversation or a meeting, try to keep track of the times you interrupt. During your next meeting or conversation, use a pen and paper to make a mark every time you catch yourself talking over someone. If you want a more accurate assessment, I suggest you enlist some help. Choose someone who will also be in your next meeting, someone you can trust. Ask them to keep track of you. After the meeting, see how many tally marks they have. I'm willing to bet it will be higher than your mental count.

Step #2 Call an audible

You read that correctly, let me explain. I teach an undergraduate psychology class on communication and influence. One of the books I use is Atomic Habits by James Clear (excellent book, by the way). In his book, Clear tells us that the Japanese rail system is one of the best in the world due to its use of a point-and-call system. The conductors and operators use a ritual of pointing at different objects and calling out commands. The train conductor, for instance, will see a green signal, point at it, and say, "Signal is green." While this might sound a little silly to some, this system has reduced errors by 85 percent and cut accidents by 30 percent. How does this work? It brings things from the unconscious level to the conscious level. It allows us to beware of something because we are aware of it.

The next time you interrupt, point a finger to your chest and call yourself out on it. Say something like, "I just interrupted you" or "Wow, I just cut you off. I'm sorry, please finish what you were saying." This process will raise your habit of interrupting from an unconscious level to a conscious level. Now that it is at the conscious level, you can do something with it.

Step #3 Listen

Take a breath and listen. The main reason people interrupt other people is that they listen to respond, rather than listening to understand. I call it listening on starting blocks. They are like a sprinter who has his feet in the starting blocks and his fingertips on the track, just waiting for the starter's pistol to go off, so he can take off and run.

Most of us are listening, but only until we hear something that triggers our thought. This trigger could be a statement with which we disagree. It can also be a story the other person is telling that reminds us of our own story, one that is better than theirs. Once we hear this trigger, it is like the starter's pistol going off…BANG! We then sprint off our starting blocks, and out comes the interruption because, well, our story is sooo much better, or we just have to tell them they are wrong.

If you have made it this far, you only have two choices. First, you can ignore everything you just read and keep on listening on starting blocks. I must warn you, though, keep interrupting, and you'll become the boardroom bully.

The second option is to take a look at your own behavior and choose to change. If you follow the three steps in this article, other people will notice. They will appreciate the fact that you are stepping out of your comfort zone to become a better listener and conversationalist. But I've said enough, weren't you going to say something?

Always remember, soft skills lead to hard results!